Ministering to “Those Kids”: from a parent of one of those kids
Children's Ministry truly stands out in numerous ways. From fostering a nurturing and supportive environment to delivering engaging and educational programs, it excels in creating a positive impact on the lives of young ones. The commitment to their well-being, coupled with innovative and enjoyable activities, sets the Children's Ministry apart as a leader in providing a holistic and enriching experience for children. However, if you have been in the ministry for any time you have encountered one of “those kids.”
Let me begin by giving you my definition of what I consider to be one of “those kids.” I consider those kids to be any child that does not learn or experience the way that the majority of children do and get labeled as discipline problems because they cannot always communicate what their needs are or why they can’t understand or fulfill a task the same way as their classmates.
As an adoptive parent of 4, I am the proud parent of one of those kids. My youngest son has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, OCD and mild Tourette Syndrome that presents as motor tics. From an early age my son was labeled a discipline problem in public school and church classrooms alike. As a parent there were many times that I felt helpless in advocating for my child because I was walking the very fine line of trying to accommodate for his diagnosis and also not allowing him to use that same diagnosis as a crutch. As a parent I began to loathe calls from the school or being pulled aside on Sundays or Wednesdays to discuss his behavior. I prayed that when God called me into the ministry He would lead me to “Do Better” for kids like my son. Here are 5 impactful ways I try to advocate for “those kids.”
Parent Communication
Parent communication is a priority. Parents should be made aware of when a child has been redirected, experienced social struggles with conflict resolution and any other occurrence that the teacher, leader or volunteer feels necessary.
What to communicate:
What occurred without opinion or embellishment
How their child was redirected
How the child reacted to redirection if necessary
Ask for suggestions of what works at home if parent indicates the behavior is not new
What NOT to communicate:
Your suspected diagnosis
Your opinion of their parenting
Your unwillingness to see past their behavior
Also, make sure that not all of your interactions with parents of those kids are negative. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me as a mom to hear a teacher or leader brag on my son. I like to use the sandwich method. Something nice, the struggle, something nice.
2. Inclusivity Without Drawing Attention
Social struggles and feeling left out can be a major factor in a child acting out. Making classrooms safe and free of exclusion diminish outbursts or the need to “show out” out of nervousness.
Things to be aware of during class or free time.
Only call on those who want to read aloud. You have no way of knowing who struggles with forms of dyslexia, social anxiety or learning disabilities.
Assign partners to avoid clicks and exclusivity. Odd numbers does not always mean those kids are your partner.
Most, if not all kids are most productive when given a job.
3. Pay Attention to Detail
Take mental or written notes of situations or activities that seem to encourage best behaviors or classroom etiquette and those that seem to escalate unwanted behaviors.
Examples: Brian really responds well when we have organized play as opposed to free play, or Emily does not respond well to loud chaotic environments.
4. Child Communication
Be straightforward with what is expected of the child and avoid using language that leaves room for ambiguity. Kids are smart and they know how to read adults better than most of us think. I am reminded of a specific example with my son when he was in first grade. He was in a class with a first year teacher and she was very soft spoken and wanted to nurture my son through all of his inappropriate conduct. He saw those particular character traits as loopholes.
At home my son was expected to have good behavior and when he exhibited undesirable behavior there were consequences. If I communicated to him that he did not stop picking on his little sister or destroying furniture in his room there would be a consequence then I held to that.
At school however he would display disruptive behavior and because the teacher had 18 other students who were not being disruptive to teach, my son would be sent to the office where he would escalate into a fit, I would be called to come to the school and by the time i arrived he would be sitting there smiling with a sucker. While I understand that public schools hands are tied when it comes to discipline, these particular actions were training my son to exhibit bad behavior and receive a reward. I say all of that to simply say this; be concise in your expectations across the board of what you expect while a child is in your care and follow through with consequences.
5. Love Them
Expressing love towards a child can manifest in different ways. Children know love through compassion as well as they know it through discipline. A child that is shown love regularly tends to reciprocate that. A child that is labeled and shown distrust regularly tends to want to over-prove their labels or lack of labels by acting out.
For as long as I have been in ministry I have gravitated towards “those kids.” They hold a special place in my heart. Most likely because I am the parent of one of “those kids,” but perhaps partially because I was one of “those kids.”